Finale
by Kittyling
Summary: Suzaku has been summoned; yet on the path to that goal, four of the chosen were killed. A year later, Tasuki is still dwelling on the past...leading to unwanted decisions and revelations. Spoilers for the later parts of the series.
1. Prologue :: Reflection

 **Disclaimer**: Fushigi Yuugi and lyrics to "Finale" are copyright Yuu Watase and L'arc~en~ciel respectively.

**Author's Note**: This fic is the result of a very odd idea that came to me in the middle of the night last week. So, I developed it in my head, and this is what I got. Not sure how many chapters it'll be, or even how the end will turn out, but I'm in need of a challenge; I figure this will give me one. ^_^ And for those of you looking for Tasuki/Chichiri action here…sorry, but for once I'm writing something completely lacking in romance. I _am_ going to focus on their relationship throughout—it just won't be in a romantic sense. Hope that doesn't scare all you romance/yaoi fans away who thought that's what this fic would be. ^^; Oh yeah, and the prologue is set just after Nuriko's death. So yes, that means there will be spoilers abound in this story. =P And apparently italics and center aren't working in any of my uploads…::grumble:: So the layout is going to look really crappy until I can get that fixed. -.-

Prologue: Reflection

**Your reflection is wavering without a response**

**to my prayers, drowning in eternity**

**I couldn't save you when you were falling apart**

**I put you to sleep on my knee long ago**

                Darkness.

                Even the bravest have some fear, and more often than not it resides in this. Insecurity, temptation, doubt—all of these come with it, and none are feelings that humans are comfortable with. There are some who convince themselves that they're never afraid. Eventually, something will break them; something will force them to have more fear than they normally would, more insecurity, more doubts. For with truth comes fear, and without fear you are living a lie… Yet there are those who live a life in fear and lies, masked by a wall of bravery and strength. In the mirror, they don't see themselves, but instead the mask they've hidden under for so long, and often they aren't aware of this wall, this mask, until it begins to chip away.

                Without a wall, a building crumbles. Without a mask, one cannot hide. Is there such thing as a true reflection of ourselves? Can a human ever fully understand what fate has given them? Is there such thing as fate?

                Sometimes, all it takes is a false reflection to cause a man to break.

~*~*~

                Darkness.

                The new moon gave off only the palest sense of light, and the snow-covered ground reflected it feebly, as if trying to conserve what little illumination it was given. Wind howled fiercely over the desolate battlefield in warning to all those who passed, and all those who passed left this forsaken place as quickly as they'd come. 

Only one stood there, though he didn't know why; and in the dead of night, there's no one answer to that question. Surveying what lay before him in silence, the youth shivered as wind nipped at his already frozen skin, the only thing covering it a lightweight robe. He took a step forward, and his bare feet began to grow numb with cold. This place reminded him of one he'd been to before, but he'd pushed it out of memory…

                A snow-covered mountain top—yet the snow hadn't been pure, as this snow was. That place was tainted with blood…tainted by death…

                Shaking his head, the youth pushed those thoughts aside. Despite being on a battlefield, all signs of casualty were buried under the innocence of the snow; even the smell of blood eluded him, and this feeling brought a sense of relief. The snow-covered mountain was buried in memory once more. 

                Taking another step, he noticed a small pool of water just ahead—a strange sight, when everything else was frozen. Walking cautiously up to it, he peered into the liquid, and seeing that it wasn't deep, knelt beside it. Between the ripples and silvery reflections of moonlight in the water, he found his own—a flame-haired youth, cool amber eyes gazing unblinkingly back at him. An ironic smirk touched his lips; just a few days ago, those same eyes had held a fire in them—but that fire had been dampened and replaced with a sense of loss and emptiness that he'd show to none. It was rare that tears escaped his eyes…yet when they did, it showed a side of him that was hidden to all, including himself. 

                After a few moments, he noticed that he was no longer staring at one reflection, but two. Amethyst was next to amber, and the dim, ghost-like image of another man came into focus. A pale complexion, long, deep violet hair done into a braid, and those gem-like purple eyes, filled with sorrow. Startled, the first man stood up and stepped back from the pool, his own eyes widening in disbelief. He glanced around frantically, as if looking for the man in the reflection—yet there was no one there beside him. Looking back into the pool, he saw that the other reflection had disappeared, leaving no trace other than gentle ripples on the water's surface. 

                Sobbing dryly, the youth turned away, closing his eyes to keep unwanted tears from escaping. He knew he couldn't hide from the truth of it; but what was the truth? His companion, his best friend was killed…if he had been there, would it have been prevented?

                **Was it my fault?**

                The wind continued to howl bitterly past his ear, and, clenching his fists, he opened his eyes. It wasn't anyone's fault; nothing could have prevented what happened, and his companion wouldn't have wanted him to feel otherwise. Turning back to the pool as if in defiance, he looked into the water once more. 

                The sight that greeted him was not one he'd expected. Eyes widening again, this time in horror, he found himself staring at his reflection—stained red. Disbelieving, he unclenched his fists and looked down at his hands; crimson dripped almost lethargically onto the frozen ground from them, his senses immediately filled with the putrid odor of blood. His first instinct was to clap a hand over his mouth to smother the scent, but found he couldn't, as they were part of the source. Quickly, he knelt down and submerged his hands in the freezing water, biting his lip to keep from crying out from the cold. However, this did nothing to cleanse them of blood; rather, the entire pool turned a deep red, and he found his gaze locked with that of his deceased companion once more. Violet eyes stared up at him as icy hands reached out from the pool to grab his, and he let out a strangled cry as he found himself dragged into the water. 

What appeared to be a shallow pool turned out to be an endless, bottomless ocean; land was completely gone, and the youth was now submerged in his biggest fear, hanging as if held by strings at least ten feet below the surface of the crimson water. His companion's apparition was gone, and he was once more left alone, struggling to get to the surface; yet his attempts only caused him to sink deeper into the ice-cold water, panic growing and hope beginning to fade from his mind. 

                Closing his eyes, he stopped his struggle and let his body descend further and further, his lungs threatening to burst with each foot he dropped, his companion's image still lingering in his mind. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't escape it; he couldn't escape the truth.

                This was how the nightmares began.


	2. Chapter One :: Unbroken

Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and lyrics to "Finale" are copyright Yuu Watase and L'arc~en~ciel respectively.

Author's Note: Just using this space to clarify a few things that I've changed about the story to fit the purpose of my own. This part (and the rest) of the fic takes place about a year after the summoning of Suzaku; Chichiri and Tasuki are the only seishi still alive, with the exception of Tamahome, who lives with Miaka in Tokyo—but there's no means of communication between the worlds now. Nuriko, Hotohori, Chiriko, and Mitsukake are all dead, but their spirits aren't up and wandering around the empire like they are in the manga and tv series; sorry, no ghosties for poor angsty Tasuki to communicate with. ^_^ 

                With that said, hope you enjoy the first chapter. I'd love to hear what you think, so reviews are most definitely welcome. ^_^

**Chapter One****: Unbroken**

**_I embraced you silently so that_**

**_your pale and fleeting beauty would go unbroken…_**

****

                Early morning sunlight crept silently through open windows, casting warm, bright rays over those who slept, urging them to wake up and begin their day.  For the bandits of Reikaku-san, every morning started at nearly the crack of dawn, and this particular time was no exception. 

                However, there was one who didn't want to get up. Curled up on his side, tawny hair disheveled from a night of fitful sleep, lay the leader of the bandits: Genrou to some, Kou Shun'u to others, and Suzaku no Seishi, Tasuki, to most everyone in Konan Empire.  Passionate, loyal, and brave, he was respected and loved by all of his followers, colleagues, and friends. 

                Nevertheless, passionate, loyal, and brave was not how Tasuki felt at that moment. Cursing, the mountain bandit drew the soft cotton sheets over his head in an attempt to block out the light that was streaming all-too cheerfully into his bedroom. The former warrior of Suzaku hadn't had a restful night, as usual; however, this time it had nothing to do with his nightly trips to the bar. In fact, he hadn't had any alcohol in the past few days, for there were other, more troubling, things on his mind. When Tasuki was troubled, he was irritable—and an irritable Tasuki was not someone you wanted to deal with, especially one deprived of sleep.

                The bandit grumbled unhappily to himself, finally sitting up in his bed and opening deep amber eyes to gaze silently around the room. While small, his private chambers were well furnished with items stolen by the bandits on various occasions; silk curtains of a rich scarlet hue on the windows, pulled back to allow sunlight in, a mahogany dresser for clothing, a small but comfortable bed, a chest for any money collected, and other items of interest.  Blinking drowsily, Tasuki pulled back the sheets and stood up, immediately wishing for their warmth as chill morning air caused goose bumps to form on his skin. As he proceeded to dress himself, he strained to remember the brief bout of dreams he'd had that night. For the past year or so since the summoning of Suzaku, Tasuki had been having the same dream every few months…one which he would have preferred not to remember. However, it now came more frequently, accompanied by other dreams that he couldn't bring into memory no matter how many times he had them. 

                Soon a knock came at the door, causing Tasuki to jump slightly, his thoughts interrupted.

                "Excuse me! Who is it? Kouji, a friend of Genrou's coming for…"

                Tasuki sighed in exasperation, walking over to the door and opening it to reveal his friend and fellow bandit, Kouji. Two years his elder, they'd been together in Tasuki's earlier years of living with the bandits, and despite initial dislike, they'd grown to trust and befriend each other over time. Kouji was somewhat rugged in appearance; with deep ocean-blue hair, tan skin, and a scar on his left cheek, those who met him didn't expect this man to actually be kind and loyal (if slightly eccentric) upon getting to know him. Tasuki tried to keep his temper in check, but knew Kouji was used to frequent outbursts from him, anyway.

                "Fuck, Kouji…do you always have to do that routine?" His voice was a slight growl, but more weary than angry. He knew he had gotten up late, and Kouji had come to drag him out of bed if necessary; frankly, he wasn't in the mood for contact with other human beings at that moment. Massaging his temple with his forefingers, trying to avoid Kouji's blank expression, he sighed. "I'm up, I'm up! I know I'm late, sorry."

                Kouji was used to early-morning grumbling from his friend, and wasn't in the least bit fazed by profanities spurting from his mouth, but since his return the previous year, these had been at a minimum. The fire in his leader's personality was becoming less and less noticeable, and it was obvious what that was attributed to…Kouji became concerned about it a year ago, yet had only now forced himself to come to a decision. Unblinking green eyes regarding Tasuki, he chose to ignore the first comment, instead focusing on the second.

                "I didn't come to wake you up this morning…Genrou, we need to talk."

                Tasuki raised his head, not expecting the seemingly grave comment from his generally lively friend. The way Kouji said these words showed that he was serious about something—though Tasuki had no idea what. Confusion apparent in his amber eyes and expression, he frowned. 

"About what?"

Kouji smiled slightly, trying to have some element of comfort apparent for the bandit leader, who was obviously perplexed. "Just something I've been meaning to ask you…but I'd rather not talk about it in here, the rest of the guys probably shouldn't get involved in this. " He paused. "Training grounds sound good to you? I don't think anyone's out there right now."

The bandits' training grounds were a designated part of the forest used for preparation and battle tactics of sorts. Reikaku-san was the ideal place for a hideout; lush forest for miles around, people were more likely to get lost than ever find the outlaws there. Tasuki nodded slowly, assuming that whatever Kouji needed to talk about, it was important. However, darker thoughts began to form in his mind, while realization dawned as to what his friend might mean.

_Has he noticed? Even if he has…he can't possibly know **why**…_

Gazing at Kouji's now-serious expression, Tasuki's heart sank.

_…and that's exactly what I'm afraid of…._

~*~*~

                Tasuki trudged slowly along the dirt path into the woods, crisp fall air biting into his flesh despite the heavy trench coat he'd put on over his tunic. The leaves had just begun to change from green to their autumn suits of gold, scarlet, and red-orange, fluttering every which way in the breeze, unable to make up their minds as to which way to go. Tasuki watched them for a moment before continuing into the shadows of the forest, the fresh scent of pine carried on the breeze filling his senses. The light filtering through the tops of the trees grew thinner, until finally Tasuki was walking almost completely in shadow, causing him to be glad that he'd learned this path by heart. However, his heart grew heavier with each step he took, regretting his promise to meet Kouji at the training grounds. 

                _I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to dream it…_

                Stopping his trek for a moment, he looked up at the canopy of the forest, watching as the dim light shifted pattern with the trees swaying gently in the breeze. 

                _Of course_, he reasoned with himself, _it could be something completely unrelated to that. I mean, he doesn't even know I've been having those dreams…and I know I've never told anyone about 'em. I also know that I've been dwelling on all this for much too long…_

The last thought brought a pang of uncertainty to his already weary heart. Despite the dreams, he made sure to never think about what they meant…often they were hazy and unclear in the first place, and to remember specific details about them was impossible. However, he could tell in general what they meant, and this is what put him in denial.

                _I've never gotten over it…_

                The sound of twigs and leaves snapping and crunching from behind him put an end to his thoughts; Kouji had appeared on the path, standing only about a foot away from the bandit leader. Lowering his gaze to meet that of his friend's, Tasuki forced his spirits to lift as much as was currently possible. When he'd been a seishi, he never had to concentrate to do simple things like that; now, it wasn't so easy. After a few moments in silence, he spoke.

                "What did you want to talk to me about?"

                Kouji smiled despite himself. "You look like it's the end of the world, Genrou," he said. "I can tell you're straining to look comfortable, and it's not workin' well for someone who's known you as long as I have."

                Tasuki sighed, giving up his act upon the accurate observation. "Fuckin' hell, Kouji," he muttered, "With the way you said 'we need to talk' earlier, can y' blame me?"

                Kouji shook his head, the smile disappearing. "No, but I do need to talk to you." Looking his friend up and down for a moment, he paused before continuing. "It's been a year, but you never talk about them."

                _Please let me be wrong…_

                Tasuki's amber eyes widened slightly, as half-formed, panicked thoughts swam through his head. "Them?" he asked incredulously.__

"The seishi," Kouji said, green eyes staring, filled with concern, into amber. "I know it's out of the blue, but the first few months after you came back to us, you weren't completely yourself…and it's more apparent now. I also know this probably sound strange coming from me, but I've noticed…" He hesitated before continuing. "I just wanna know if everything's all right now."

                Tasuki unconsciously lowered his gaze, unwanted memories of that time coming back to him. Miaka and Tamahome had gone to the other world; Chichiri had begun wandering again. Left with nowhere else to turn, Tasuki went back to the only place in the world he felt he belonged now: Reikaku-san. As far away from memories as possible…as far away from guilt…

                Tasuki nodded quickly, his eyes still shaded from Kouji's view. "Everything's fine," he said huskily. "I got over that a while ago. Don't worry 'bout it."

                Kouji frowned. "You're lying again, Genrou…" Placing a callused hand comfortingly on Tasuki's shoulder, he spoke quietly, but firmly. "You're not all right."

                At these words, Tasuki felt something inside him break. Memories of his friends', his _brothers'_ deaths flooded through his mind, as another pang of emotion wrenched at his heart.

I told myself I'd forget… 

 Roughly pulling Kouji's hand off of his shoulder, he finally raised his eyes to meet those of his partner, mixed emotions swimming in their amber depths. His expression became one of anger, and that quickly became the predominant emotion in the confusion-filled orbs that were his eyes.

"Shut up…shut the _fuck_ up! You don't know a single fucking thing about me, so don't pretend that you do!! I'm fine, and I've always _been _fine, so leave me _alone_!!"                           

                Tasuki's voice gradually rose to a yell as he spoke, and the last sentence echoed strangely in the still, previously restless air of the forest. Panting, he struggled to hold back tears as he realized his mistake. Before he could make any apologies, however, Kouji spoke. The bandit's thoughts had been confirmed, and knew something had to be done.

                "Genrou…no, Tasuki." The voice was quiet, sad. "Until you come to terms with this, until you live without guilt…"

                Now, the voice trembled.

                "You can't stay here anymore."

****

****

****


	3. Chapter Two :: Sadness

Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and lyrics to "Finale" are copyright Yuu Watase and L'arc~en~ciel respectively.

Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long to update this…I barely had any free time this past month, and when I did it was spent interviewing at high schools. Guess that doesn't really count as free time, huh? -_-;  Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter…much thanks to those who have reviewed so far, and any new reviews will be greatly appreciated. ^_^ 

**Chapter Two:**** Sadness**

We seek each other out in the dark of the moon 

**_The thing we feel is the sadness of our destiny_**

****

                "…You can't stay here anymore."

                Those words were the sort that would leave you numb and disbelieving; frozen, Tasuki stared at his fellow bandit with wide eyes before he finally found words, but even then his mouth fumbled over them.

                "Wh…_what_…?"

                Kouji stood firm, his gaze fixed on that of his leader's. "I said…you can't stay here anymore. I don't want this place to be an escape for you…you can't live like that…" He trailed off, his expression almost becoming one of regret; the green eyes shone with a concern that, as Tasuki quickly realized, had always been there, but was only now apparent. "I just want you to be happy."

                The bandit leader felt a tinge of anger grow inside of him at the apparent calm of his friend; teeth and fists clenched, he looked straight into Kouji's eyes. 

                "You can't be serious…you can't _make _me leave!! I don't have to follow your orders, and I don't want your sympathy!" The amber eyes flashed dangerously, the breeze causing his red hair to appear as wavering flame, blending with the palette of orange and scarlet leaves. However, this did nothing to deter Kouji. Cool green eyes met glinting amber, the older man's face expressionless. 

                "But you aren't happy."

 The voice was soft, almost lost on the whisper of the breeze, and the way he said this was neither in accusation nor question. A statement that could be proved, a fact that Tasuki could not deny—and he, though stubborn to admit it, knew this.

                The sky was slowly beginning to darken, despite it being midday; thick, gray storm clouds were visible through the trees, moving steadily overhead. Tasuki looked at the ground to avoid Kouji's gaze, and his voice was considerably quieter when he spoke.

                  "What does it matter to you? I'm content with the way things are…I can't change them, there's no way I can change them—"

                "Yes, there is!!" Kouji cut in angrily, becoming frustrated. "You can't run away from your feelings forever, you have to _face _them! Damn it Genrou, what can I do to make you see!?"

                An empty silence followed these words, and again something snapped in Tasuki. His eyebrows drawn together in anger, he shook his head. 

                "Just…just leave me alone, Kouji!" he yelled, his temper lost completely. Thoughts raced through his head too quickly to process, and emotions were all that he knew—the predominant one being fear, hidden behind his anger. Kouji found himself growing angry as well, the frustration at his friend's stubborn denial finally getting to him. And yet, this was mostly to mask his fear as well…fear for Tasuki's well-being, fear that he couldn't easily explain. Placing his hands on Tasuki's shoulders and forcing the bandit leader to look into his eyes, the anger melted away and was replaced with desperation. Ignoring Tasuki's previous words, he spoke in a voice that was barely audible, yet he was heard clearly, and for once not ignored or forced away.

                "Please…please, listen to me…you _have _to leave. You're hurting yourself…"

                The hands on Tasuki's shoulders trembled, and the eyes that looked into his were pleading. For a brief moment, Tasuki wanted only to collapse right then and there in his friend's arms…to let out all the frustration and sorrow that had built up over the past year, that had been there for too long…

                _…too long…_

And yet, he could not bring himself to do it. His pride was too great, his emotions confusing and unreal…his entire _existence _was unreal. In that instant, all of his common sense was pushed aside; thoughts of what might happen didn't matter, while at the same time _everything _mattered. Everything hurt…everyone hurt _him_…they knew what he felt, they had to, all of them did. Didn't they? They did it on purpose, they didn't care at all…why would they care? Why would they give a damn what he felt? What he wanted? What he _needed_?

                _…pushed away…_

"Fine."

                Again, Tasuki pulled Kouji's hands from his shoulders. For a moment his head was bowed, his eyes and expression hidden; but Kouji felt him shake in the brief moment of contact between their hands. The bandit leader's breathing was heavy, and when he finally looked up, his eyes were filled with emotions previously unknown to him, but only until the guilt had come…always with guilt… 

                "Fine…" he whispered, lowering his gaze again. The wind wasn't strong, but still cold; the light in the forest was dim and gray, making the trees seem lifeless and dark, tall and foreboding. 

**_Dark..._**

                _…why?_

"If you want me to leave that much…if you want me to leave, I will." His body shook unwillingly, his eyes burned unwillingly…he always dreamed unwillingly…remembered…

                **_Lifeless…_**

                Tasuki looked up at Kouji and smiled…a bitter smile, his hands still trembling, eyes void of all emotions previously in them. He laughed; it was hollow and forced, and his hands continued to shake.

                "So…this is just to get rid of me, right? I don't mind, really…it's what I did to _them_…I still do it to them. I push them away, because they're not there. They can't ever be…"

                _…here…_

_                Why do you push me away? _

_                **Why did you leave me?**_

****The smile wavered; but still the eyes would not fill with tears. Those eyes never filled with tears, because their owner forbade them of it. If they did, it was because barriers had been broken; if they did, it was because an ever-present guard had shut down, it was because of insecurity…

                _Doubt…_

_                Because of you._

_                **You broke me.**_

****"I won't come back. If you don't want me…I won't come back. It doesn't matter anyway…don't have a home…place to go…"

                _Don't…_

Kouji's eyes widened at the actions of the former seishi. He didn't know what to make of what Tasuki was saying, but instantly he regretted his decision. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came; he didn't have the time.

                The voice was choked…a guard let down…

                "Kouji…goodbye."

                The bandit leader was off in an instant, running at his full speed through the darkened forest. Wind whipped at his face, ice-cold tears nearly frozen upon contact with air; the scenery was a blur, and while he had no idea where he was going, that didn't matter in the least to him. He just wanted to get away, away from…

                _…from what?_

Faster…he hadn't used his "gift" since the summoning, but now it felt so good to him. To be able to run, soar past everyone and everything, not have to think or remember…

                But eventually, it came to an end. Exhausted, Tasuki stumbled mid-sprint and found himself on the hard, cold ground…still in the forest, but nowhere recognizable to him. Trembling and sobbing, he pulled himself into a sitting position and huddled against a tree. Frozen tears blinded him as he panted and gasped for air, and, ashamed, he rested his head between his knees…

                _Barriers…_

_                **…broken…**_

                Cold, sharp rain poured down in sheets, through the trees, down to the earth…

                And onto the figure of the injured wolf…

Who's wound was too deep to heal.


End file.
